Dystopyum (The D-ot Hexalogy Book 1) Read online

  The Guide answered, “You can do this. You are a child, and your mother has exposed you to much love. That fact makes it easier for you to talk to me than it is for an adult to talk to me. Love flows more purely in children for a while in the world. It does not last. Each painful experience builds the dragon. The dragon cherishes each pain, and saves it. It is true that the dragon and I cannot stand in the same place at the same time. Keep me with you, and we will do this together.”

  One by one, the Guide and Jan went through Jan’s horrific episodes in love-deprogramming school. As each fearful episode was handed over to the common observation of Jan and the Guide together, the Guide’s presence erased any trace of fear associated with the memories. Memory by memory, Jan’s load was lightened. It didn’t hurt this part of me at all! Jan realized. He was thinking, is this real? Then, out of the blue, he saw his torturer’s sore-riddled face right in front of him, and it scared the daylights out of him.

  Jan sprang up in bed, wide-awake, with his heart pounding in the dark. He was sitting, bracing himself up with his arms, and panting for breath. His chest was still seized with fear. It’s OK — he thought to himself, there’s nobody here. He started to relax, and wondering about the Guide. He heard the Guide’s voice again.

  “Jan — it’s all right Jan. I’m here with you. I’m always here.” the Guide said in an easy, soothing manner.

  The Guide was reassuring, and Jan started to relax. He felt the gentlest warmth again that came with the voice of the Guide. In his dark bedroom, Jan began to notice a soothing glow coming from his chest. It was both inside him and outside him. The glow grew to about the size of his chest, and he could not stop looking down into it.

  The Guide said, “Remember what I’ve said. When you bring me with you, you can look at any frightening thing, and it won’t scare you. We need to continue. Don’t be afraid, Jan.”

  Jan knew what he meant. He now understood that his memory of the torture room was still there, inside, untapped, full of dark potential. He knew what the Guide wanted, and Jan did not want it.

  He said to the Guide, “If I look in there, I’ll die!”

  “That is your dragon talking. The only thing vulnerable is the dragon. It wants your pain to remain hidden. If we look at it together, it can’t control you any longer, and your mother won’t frighten you anymore. Please, look, and I will be there with you.”

  Jan trusted the Guide, but still. In the end, he seemed to have no choice. He had to do it.

  “OK, I’ll try,” Jan said with a sigh.

  Jan resumed his focus on the glow coming from his chest to get more secure, and then thought of the school. He was drawn to his most fearful memory of the school. His torturer had just come back from a break, and had found him crying. Jan’s torturer punished him for this by giving him a double dose of electricity. His ugly face was in front of Jan’s face, delighting in Jan’s misery.

  “I don’t feel anything!” Jan exclaimed. “Look at him! He can’t touch me, nothing can touch me!” He looked at the image, and said, “You can’t touch me, can you?” The image of the torturer faded from his mind.

  “Why aren't you afraid?” The Guide asked.

  Jan answered, “Because when I look at the dragon with you here, I can tell that it's not real, because you are more real. You are what’s real, not what happened!” He hesitated, waiting for the words to describe how he felt. “I feel so strong!” Jan started laughing.

  “Yes, Jan. You have begun to discover what you really are. You cannot be hurt, but in the world, your body can be hurt. This fact is what you will learn. Our Author created us safe forever and ever, but souls in your world are blind to this. During childhood, they soon forget their invulnerability, because that was not what they came here for. I cannot tell you why, it is too much for you to bear for now.

  “When you look at love, you become blind to the dragon’s temporary, but powerful, existence in the world. You cannot both carry love and remember pain in any given instant. Painful memories and revenge are the only things the dragon has, aside from its hosts’ cooperation. It is impossible for the dragon to see the only true light, because the dragon does not exist in truth. The dragon does not come from eternity, and cannot understand or see any of this — but you do and you can.”

  “I feel wonderful! I can really feel love everywhere!” exclaimed Jan. Then, with the Guide’s help, he continued to look for other painful memories of the love-deprogramming school, and the fear went away with each one. Then they proceeded to search for any other bad memories. When they were through, Jan was told that his dragon would never be completely gone while in the world. For many souls, it would stay attached long after leaving the world, keeping those souls trapped, blind, lost and confused, outside of heaven’s gate, until they were led to choose again.

  Jan, bright boy that he was, asked, “What about the good memories? Where are they?”

  “Ahhh,” said the Guide, pleased with the question. “They are accepted by the white dragon, which immediately adds them to your treasure in heaven for safekeeping. Each soul has developed talents and skills made in to survive in the black dragon’s realm. We steal these talents from the black dragon after binding it, and the white dragon is built from this, in the service of heaven.”

  Jan smiled at that. He could not comprehend much of what the Guide had said, but understood that his good memories would be safe in heaven.

  When they were finishing, the Guide made a request, saying, “I want you to help Rebecca tomorrow. She needs you to lend her a hand with this, but she does not know. She cannot see it. Remember to do this.”

  After they were through, Jan was exhausted. The voice of the Guide faded, and after some pondering of the night’s wonders, Jan fell into a deep, pleasant sleep.

  Chapter Ten

  Another Candle

  T

  he next morning Jan woke up, and speedily ran up the stairs to greet a brand new day. He felt better than ever.

  “Hi Dad!” Jan said happily to Griswolt as he sprang into the kitchen. Griswolt was finishing his breakfast while Martha was taking a shower in the bathroom. “Good morning, son,” Griswolt said with gusto. The word “miracle” came to mind again as his eyes followed Jan hopping up on a chair at the kitchen table with him. His scabs look much better today, Griswolt thought. He reached over the table and rubbed Jan’s crest affectionately. “What would you like for breakfast?” he asked, knowing the answer.

  “Toast!” Jan announced, “With butter and suka!”

  “Coming right up!” Griswolt said. He shortly rose and got it started, thinking, my family — just yesterday I thought that they were gone forever, and now look — life was good again. He made the toast and had a seat with Jan at the table.

  While he was eating his toast, Jan asked, “Can I go over to Rebecca’s house?”

  Martha had just come into the kitchen from the bathroom. Before Griswolt could answer, she appeared concerned over Jan’s request, asking, “You’re not going to try to run away again, are you?”

  Griswolt’s head shot up, and said, “What?” However, he was ignored.

  Jan looked at her and said, “No, that was — different. It’s all different now, better!” He paused, turning his eyes to a thought. He looked at her again and directly said, “You saved me yesterday, Mama,” and he got out of his chair and went to her to give her a hug.

  Martha responded with a big smile, returning the lovely hug. She looked him over with a sad smile, “I’m still so very sorry about how I treated you, Jan.” She gave him a once over.

  “You — you do look different today, don’t you?” she said to the beaming, smiling Jan, who was still looking up at her.

  Jan was waiting for her answer, “Can we go?”

  “Go wash up after you’re done eating, and we’ll go over to Rebecca’s together,” Martha replied.

  Griswolt had risen and was starting up some eggs for Martha now. He was pretending not to be observing them, but he c
ertainly was. He did not want to interfere with any of this wonderful change. It made no sense, his puzzlement amplified by his inability to put any reasonable pieces together that might explain their reunion.

  After Jan’s bath, they both went over to Rebecca’s house. Rebecca answered the door. She did not look like she was recovering well, and found it revolting to see both Jan and Martha holding hands.

  “Hello Rebecca,” Martha said as she and Jan entered the house. She squatted down to get closer to Rebecca, and asked, “How are you doing, dear?”

  Rebecca stepped back as Martha reached out to touch her arm. Her face changed from just dismal to stern. She was wearing the same, tootight gray suede overalls she had on yesterday. Rebecca averted Martha’s caring gaze by dropping her eyes to the floor, arms crossed. She did not answer.

  Martha looked at her in sympathy. Still squatting, she pulled her outstretched hand back. “Is there anything I can do for you, Rebecca?” she asked.

  “No,” was Rebecca’s reflexive response. Rebecca did not look up, but said, “I want Jan to stay with me here — we won’t run away.” She still held the same facial expression.

  Jan had been soaking this all up. He knew where Rebecca’s attitude was coming from, and it frightened him a little. He did not ever want to go “there” again. He felt badly just looking at her. Rebecca did not look any better than yesterday, while his whole world had changed overnight. “We’ll be OK, Mama,” he said to Martha. “You know I won’t run away now, don’t you?”

  Martha stood up, and said, “Let’s all go inside for a bit, and we’ll see.” They went down straight into the living room. Martha looked around. The place was clean enough. She glanced at Rebecca. I really don’t have anything good to say to her, and she won’t hear me anyway. She looked down at the two children with eye-ridges pursed, “I suppose it will do Rebecca good to have some company here for a while. Jan, I want you home for lunch. Why don’t you bring Rebecca with you?”

  Rebecca, still not looking up, slightly turned and tilted her head. The stern look on her face broke. Her thoughts turned toward a distant memory.

  “OK, Rebecca?” Jan asked, “Will you come over for lunch?”

  Rebecca stirred, and started picking at a scab on her shoulder. “OK, I guess.”

  Martha smiled broadly, “Well, it’s settled then. Jan will have a guest for lunch.” She looked around the immediate area again, and said, “All right Jan, I’m going to leave now. Be good!” She knelt down to give Jan a hug, and glanced at Rebecca, but Rebecca just backed away. Sigh. Martha then went up the stairs to leave the house.

  As soon as the door upstairs had opened and closed, Rebecca uncrossed her arms. “How can you stand her?” she hissed at Jan.

  Jan was taken aback by Rebecca’s behavior. He thought about how he completely agreed with her yesterday. “I feel different today, that’s all,” he said. “I feel better.”

  Rebecca looked at him. She looked confused. “You — look better.” She paused to think about it, and then said, “And you look happy. Why?”

  Jan was about to tell her about what happened the day before, and realized that love-deprogramming school graduates were very conditioned to report any love activity to the police. I was going to turn my mother in myself just yesterday. I have to show her, not tell her, he thought to himself.

  Trying to think of something else to say, Jan changed the subject and asked, “Did you find your knitting stuff yet?

  Rebecca frowned. “No, my dad said that my mother threw them away,” Rebecca replied. “What an idiot! I hate her! She’s ruined everything!” Rebecca sniffed.

  Jan came closer to her, and she jumped back.

  “Don’t touch me!” she screamed.

  Her reaction startled Jan, and he stepped away from her. “OK, Rebecca, I know,” he said, nodding his head. He thought about it. “If there was a way for me to help you feel better, would you want to try?”

  She looked at him suspiciously. “I don’t want to feel better. I need to remember that —” Her thoughts trailed off as she tried to define the reason she did not want to be happy again.

  Jan was perplexed. How can I make her happy when she doesn’t want to be happy? “Are you sure you don’t want to be happy?” he asked.

  Rebecca fidgeted, and said, “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe someday. A long time from now.”

  Jan was not to be blocked this easily. “Why not now, with me?” he prodded.

  Rebecca looked at him. He looked so happy when he arrived. She did want to feel like that. “I guess it’s better than the way I feel now,” she said. “OK, what do you want me to do?”

  Jan then realized that he did not have a plan. He let his instincts guide him, making it up as he went along.

  “Let’s sit on the floor,” he decided. He went over to the middle of the living room floor and Rebecca followed him. They sat down on the floor, facing each other. Jan tried to remember how the Guide helped him. He said, “Take my hand.” He reached out one hand, and waited for Rebecca to take it.

  She looked in fear at the outstretched hand of Jan’s. It might as well have been on fire. “I can’t do it,” she said in dismay.

  Jan leaned over and took hold of her hand.

  Rebecca snarled, and grabbed his hand firmly, trying to bite it, but Jan was too quick, and she only snagged it, drawing a thin line of blood along the back of his hand.

  Jan yanked his hand back, and jumped backwards. When he saw her getting up, he ran behind the big overstuffed chair in the corner of the room, hiding out of her view. I’m getting tired of this, he thought.

  Rebecca was shocked at what she had just done. “What’s happening to me?” she wailed up to the ceiling. “I can’t control myself!” She looked over in the direction of where Jan was cowering behind the chair. He’s afraid of me, she thought. I am a monster now.

  “Jan,” Rebecca called out, “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to — I won’t do it again.”

  Jan was still ducking down behind the chair.

  Rebecca tried again. “I won’t do it again, Jan. I don’t know what happened.”

  Jan was frightened now. He had seen the crazed look in her eyes, and it reminded him of the school. It was still too fresh. “How do I know you won’t bite me?” he asked, still behind the chair.

  “I’ll be OK, I promise!” Rebecca responded. “Come out, Jan, I’m OK now. Please?”

  Jan warily came out from behind the chair.

  Rebecca tried to produce a smile. “Let’s sit on the couch and try again.”

  Jan was not so sure of this, and asked, “Are you sure? I don’t know now.”

  “I don’t want to be an animal,” Rebecca said, with a sad look. Then she looked up at Jan and said, “I think you were helping me.”

  Jan looked her over. She seemed safe enough now. He took a deep breath, “OK.” He smiled at her. “If you get scared, just let go of my hands, all right? — if you get scared.” He wiped the bit of blood from his hand onto his pants.

  She timidly looked at Jan and said, “I’ll sit in my knitting chair instead of the couch, and you can hold my hands there. I think I’ll be all right there.”

  So they went over to her little chair, and Jan knelt down in front of her to be at her level. He slowly and wordlessly reached out his hands, and Rebecca hesitantly received them. They looked at each other, and Rebecca slowly settled from her erect defensive posture into a more relaxed state. They stayed this way, and Rebecca started to finally smile.

  Jan realized something, and his face grew very sad.

  Rebecca could see it, and asked, “What?”

  Jan took a deep breath, and letting out a sigh, said, “You’re going to go away forever when your mama comes home.” Shaking his head he said, “I’m going to miss you.”

  Rebecca’s expression changed. She showed a look of recognition on her face, which then changed to an expression of great loss. She stood up, and unexpectedly wailed, “I miss my mama!” She started crying,
very hard.

  Jan stood up with her. Without thinking, dropping all guard, she fell towards Jan with both arms over his shoulders, crying, head and tears, on his shoulder.

  Jan just held her while she cried. Slowly and gently, he patted her on the back, just as he had done with his mother. Jan found himself staring off — once again — into that place which had become all too familiar. Love — and all that came with it, was all he had to give — and it was exactly what Rebecca needed.

  Chapter Eleven

  Recall

  T

  he passing of time did help. Jan had been back in school for a month, along with Rebecca. Martha had returned to her job over two weeks ago, working at Mineral Processing Plant 11B. Other than fending off questions about love-deprogramming

  school, things were getting back to normal. She was finishing up for the day, when two NOV police, accompanied by her manager, came looking for her. The manager pointed her out, and one of the police said, “You are under arrest for committing the crime of love, and of being a member of LERN.”

  Martha was shocked. “What? That’s ridiculous! Where did you hear such a thing?” she pleaded frantically.

  They simply handcuffed her and escorted her out of the processing plant, and into the rusty awaiting police wagon. When they arrived at the station, they had Martha sit in a heavily guarded brightly lit white room with others waiting to be processed on any number of charges. Some were ordinary criminals, but a few were obviously LERN members. In the interest of self-preservation, she stayed away from the other LERN members.

  After a few hours, they called Martha’s name, and took her to a small dark room that held a table with two opposing chairs. The guard told her to take a seat. There was a device on the table, which had some wires attached to it. Two males came in, the interrogator and his assistant.